Kenny McCormick's Guide to Pulling a Sickie
by MarshieMello-Cookies
Summary: Is school sucking? Do you want just one little day off to relax? Then Kenny's here to help!


**Disclaimer: If I owned South Park, why the hell would I be writing this? I could just make an episode and say 'Fuck yeah, this is canon'. But I don't.**

**Warning: Be careful with your health. If you injure yourself, don't blame me because I clearly have this warning right here. And if allowed GIF images, then there would be two dancing pandas to make it stand out more. Actually, I was considering not posting this for those reasons, but hey, I did check the Rules.**

Hey dudes! My name's Kenny, Kenny McCormick. Why exactly am I here? Well, I'm gonna explain that now. You see, last week, I didn't really feel like heading to school, mainly because I was bored as fuck. So, I decided to pull a sickie. Ya see, a lot of people think my parents don't really give a rat's ass, but I guess you'd be surprised to find out that they do.

I guess that time when we were separated caused it. Now, mom and dad are really trying to push us on with our education. I guess it's pretty cool that they care, but still, the school is a shit hole. Seriously guys, the plumbing broke two weeks ago, so the toilets are piling up with shit. Think it's funny? It's not funny when you're taking a dump over a pile of crap, especially when there's that one kid who just has to puke. It's sick, guys.

So anyways, I poked the back of my throat until I threw up. Of course, there's more to it than that, but I'll explain more later. I threw up, but I choked on it and ended up killing myself. If you're wondering how the fuck I died and I'm writing this, don't ask. Really, because you'll not believe me. That's the reason I'm writing this, because if you're going to do it, do it right. Don't end up dead for the sake of a day off, because it's really not worth it. Not even if it's the shittiest of days.

Also, my bud Kyle told me about this place. He said the people of the internet could use something like this, because they're crazy or something. I don't know, that's just Kyle for you. He's a pretty smart guy though, so I guess I should take his word for it, right?

First things first, you gotta really think of why you want the day off. It can't be a shitty reason, like 'I just felt like it' or 'I just broke up with my partner, so now I just want to mope in a dark room with a gallon of ice-cream and my five cats'. You see, if you just felt like it, you really need to learn some self-control. Limit sickies to once every two months at least, because you'll have a better chance at getting off if your attendance is pretty good.

If you want to stay off for the second example, then fuck me sideways, get out and enjoy being single! Being single is awesome, because you can look at hot chicks, and you're not cheating! Trust me, stop the moping and enjoy some titties! Unless you're a chick. But hey, if you're lesbian, then looking at girls' titties is ok, right?

So, if you have a good reason, then sure, that's fine. If you don't, start dragging your ass to school and learn some shit. That sounds like something Kyle would say…

Now, timing is pretty important too if you want to pull it off. Start 'symptoms' at least the night before for authenticity, even better if you start before that. Just drop off little hints, nothing to obvious. Less is more, right? In my case, I have no fucking idea how that works, but hey, let's just go with it.

Try coughing, sniffling, or just not eating. I try to not do the last one too much, but hey, if your case is different from mine, then go ahead. Go to bed early, saying you feel real crappy. That might help too.

It all depends on how strict your parents are. If you got a mom like Cartman's, then doing this should be as easy as eating a bag of cheesy poofs. But, if you've got strict-ass parents like Kyle's, then you really gotta take this far for it to work. When I say far, I mean it.

I mean, Kyle likes school, so he probably wouldn't be the type for sickies. Actually, he'd probably rant to me about how damaging your own health is a stupid thing to do, and all the risks and whatnot. But hey, don't mind him. That's just Kyle being Kyle.

So, if you have the strict type of parent, then you should try some make-up. Yeah, make-up. Don't go overboard, or they'll catch you out. Just go for a pale look, and make your eyes look at sunken and crappy, like you're one of those stupid kids who believe they're faggy vampires like that sparkly Cullen dude. Or just ask the Goth kids. Nah, just kidding with the last one. If you started looking like a Goth kid, the only thing your folks would be worried about is you being a faggy Goth.

If you want to make your eyes real crappy, you could try this. Hold your eyes open for a while, until they water, and then do that in front of a fan. This should make you cry, which is useful is you want to show just how much 'pain' you're in. Onions work well too. Why do I know this? Because some chicks are suckers for emotional guys.

Here's a pretty important part – The reason why you couldn't go to school. If you've got the Cartman's mom type, then something simple like a major headache or sore throat would work pretty well. If you say something to big, they might get fussy and take you to the Doctor's, because they _'wuv you sooo much'._ Well, I'm guessing that's how you'd say it if they're squishing your cheeks with a big kissy face on.

If you got the strict type, then again, you have to be careful. Go to the Doctor's, and you're fucked up the ass with a cactus. Try and get a date where your parents are busy. Say you'll be fine just to rest in bed on your own. This is a kickass way to roam around without having to worry about constantly hiding your iPod, laptop, PSP, porno, or whatever.

A good example is puking. You can do this two ways- Fake puke, or real puke. The real will be a bit more sick, but will pretty much guarantee a day off. If you're going for the fake, mix up a bunch of crap, but try and make it out of foods you've recently eaten for a more realistic touch. Add some carrot chunks, because there are always carrot chunks in puke, even if you've never eaten carrots. I should really ask Kyle about that.

Throw some green and brown food colouring there too, for the right colour. Be creative with it, but make it as realistic as you fucking can. If not, they'll know you're faking. Make sure it stinks too. Put some really old, stinky food in too. If there's no rotten smell, they'll know it's fake. The fake puke one is really risky though. Only do it if you really don't want to throw up.

Now, placing. Don't splatter it on the floor, because your mom or dad will have to clean it. Even if you offer to clean it, they'll probably send you off to bed, and tell you you're too sick to. Even if they do believe it's genuine barf, if they get close enough, they might find out what it really is. Then you'll be fucked, for faking, and for making a mess.

The best way is to pour it down the toilet, taking a break every so often. Try three loads, that should do it. Add a lot of gagging noises, and add a bit around the corners of your mouth and dribbling down your chin. C'mon, they'll know you're shitting them if you just threw up, and you don't have any on you.

Then, put on your best 'I just threw up' face, hold your belly, and go tell them you puked. Show them the evidence, and flush it quickly before they have long to look at it. I mean, who the fuck wants to look at puke anyway?

Another way, is to tell your parents that you were sick at night, and you feel nasty again. A good time to say you puked is an hour or two before you get up, so that it's recent. You could say you flushed it, and make sure to act real sick the night before. Eat a lot, or at least look like you did. If you want to make it even better, make a little bit of fake puke, and just lightly decorate the toilet seat with it for effect.

If the bathroom is close to your parents room, or your brother or sister's, then pour something down the crapper and make gagging noises, so if they are awake, they'll believe your story.

So, if you feel like doing it the real way, there are a few things you can do. Just be careful here, because this shit is genuine, not faking like the rest. Drinking salt-water could help you puke, but I can't guarantee the timing. The best way is to stick a finger down your throat, and tickle it until you can see last night's dinner on the floor. But for fuck's sake, take your finger out when you're gonna hurl. If you choke like I did, you won't be coming back.

If you want a day off, faking is best, because you won't hurt yourself. Don't actually give yourself something unless you have a really fucking good reason. Missing out an exam you didn't study for isn't really a good excuse, because dude, you're gonna have to do it sooner or later.

Another thing guys- Don't go crazy, and don't make up a disease. People will find out, and you'll look like a stupid fuck. Don't go so far that you're parents decided to take you to the doctor's, and a real important thing, don't magically get better. Just show progress gradually over the day, kay? Act a little sick the next day, but show your parents that you're a good kid, and get your ass to school.

Also, add a little variation for each sickie. If you keep having the same thing, your parents will want to check you out.

I think that's all. Am I a fucking genius for thinking of these or what? Seriously, when it comes to this type of shit, I'm kickass at it.

So yeah, don't get yourselves hurt and have fun guys!


End file.
